Blue Moon
by Amelia Bianca Black
Summary: This has nothing to do with the episode called "Blue Moon." It has to do with the cocktail and the song I love very much. The story grew out of my disappointment with the relationship between Jordan and Woody. It is set shortly before the series finale.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own "Crossing Jordan" or any of its characters. The same goes for the song called "Blue Moon".

**Author's Note:** Please read and review! :) Be harsh, be brutal - I always want to know how bad I am. Thanks! Looking forward to your reviews. :))

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**Blue Moon**

-by Amelia Bianca Black-

_Blue moon, you saw me standing alone_

_Without a dream in my heart,_

_Without a love of my own._

She was sobbing, unable to stop. And she wanted to stop. But she just couldn't. Tears were pouring down her flushed cheeks. 'That's for all those years of not crying. For trying to be tough. Always. No matter

what.' She smiled mirthlessly. Still weeping, she brought the glass she was holding to her lips. She downed the cheap red wine lustily. It made her shiver. "It grows on you.' she chuckled gloomily. This innocent remark resulted in more sobs as Jordan recalled the dreary, cold, ugly, cluttered, but cozy, warm, light, beautiful room she had shared with him at the Lucy Carver Inn. She threw the empty glass away. It hit the edge of the kitchen table. The sound of smashing glass didn't get to her. She didn't even bother to look at the shattered 18th century crystal glass which had cost her a fortune. She just sat there, her face in her hands, crying soundlessly, inconsolably, tormented by the voice of Ella Fitzgerald and the little voice in her head. The one which was asking all sorts of stupid questions. The one which wouldn't stop.

"Where did it all go wrong?" inquired the inquisitive voice.

"When I went for a drink with Nige, decided I hadn't had Blue Moon for a while, drank a few glasses of that charming cocktail, came home in a very good mood, took a bottle of that stupid free wine, remembered that stupid old song, wanted to hear it, found a cd of Ella's, played that schmaltzy tune, pushed the repeat button… So, hear I am, crying like a baby. Blue Moon is a bitch. Never drinking that one again," she reasoned.

"Where did it all go wrong?" the curious voice wanted to know.

"When I gave in and went to that bar with Nige instead of coming straight home," she concluded.

"Where did it all go wrong?" insisted the inquiring voice.

"I don't know." She sighed. "The ring? Or before that, when I found him a ticket to 'The Kinks'? Or even before that, when he brought me Mom's locket? The shooting? Well, that didn't go well. Definitely. Why didn't he believe me? Why did he push me away? And toy with my feelings? Pull my strings as I was his marionette? "Woody, call me sometimes." God, could I have ever been more pathetic? More humiliated? And after all that, I slept with him. No, I made love to him at that god-forgotten inn. That night I gave him more than my body. That night was a promise…

Oh, God, I don't know what that night was! I only know I was confused. I wanted him. But I didn't want to hurt JD. I didn't want to confess to myself that I had consciously ruined what seemed to be a good relationship because I still had a thing for a man who had rejected me more than once, who had used me, never really apologized to me and still was acting as if I had done him wrong and not the other way round. Ok, maybe I had done him wrong. But I was willing to fix everything after he'd been shot. He never gave me a chance. Not until I hooked up with JD, at least. Oh God, why did he do it? Why did he help me screw up everything with Pollack? Why didn't he let me say it to another guy? He didn't want to hear it anyway. Oh God, was it all just his vain? Did I ruin my life, the one thing I had that even remotely resembled a stabile relationship, because of his vain? But, then, why would he want me so desperately to talk to Pollack? God knows I couldn't. I'm a lot of things, but a cheater I'm not. I needed some time, to gather strength, to gather courage. I wanted to speak to _him_, though. I asked him if he wanted to fire any questions. He didn't. I wanted to tell him how I wanted him, how much I needed him. But he wouldn't actually talk to me.

So I wanted to show him, at that little theater of ours. And after all the agony with Pollack, once all was over, he said those words. Those awful words. How he didn't want to be my rebound guy. It hurt. It hurt like hell. It hurt so much I couldn't breathe. After everything, that was all he had to say. The lamest excuse ever. However, I bought it. I thought that one of those days he would just come and knock on my door.

And I would surely let him in. Such an idiot. I was such an idiot. He hooked up with Lu. I mean, aren't there laws against things like that?

Against hooking up with your own shrink? We hit it off badly, me and Lu.

I was really upset when she died, though.

And then _I_ almost died. He was there when I woke up. It felt… Well, it just felt strange… I didn't know where I was at first. I just wanted him to hold me tight, but the look in his eyes… It was strange. There was fear, not love. I had that sudden urge to tell him to leave. But I didn't. It wasn't the appropriate time to revel in revenge. I think I don't want revenge. I don't want anything any more. I'm so damn tired. Tired of waiting for him. It's over. I know. It has been over for quite a while. But, then, how can something that has never started come to an end?" She shrugged. "Beats me," she added, flashing tiredly one of her lopsided smiles. "Yeah, it's definitely over. I have barely seen him since the surgery. And that 'Jordan, I'm glad you're back.' of his… well… it just wasn't enough."

She sat silently, shedding no more tears. There have been more than enough. Ella's powerful, magical voice was still piercing her heart as she was singing "Blue Moon" once again, but Jordan was too tired to cry, too numb. 'I should really clean up this mess, glass and everything…' she thought wearily. But she was motionless. She couldn't make herself get up. So she was just sitting there, God knows for how long, exhausted, her mind completely blank, "Blue Moon" playing over and over again.

Then the doorbell rang. Not really thinking what she was doing, she got up from the couch and headed towards the door. Still on auto pilot, she opened it only to find a pair of blue eyes staring at her. These eyes she knew so well were red-rimmed. Woody looked as though he hadn't slept for days. He simply wrapped his arms around her and whispered, "Please, adore me." in her ear. She just stood there, her face against his chest, and cried. They both did. For, tears were such a relief. "Well, Woodrow Hoyt, you'll have to do a lot of explaining, Farm Boy," she murmured at last. There was nothing in the world he'd rather do. For, he knew everything was going to be all right. The moon had turned to gold.


End file.
